ugh

I have nothing of value to say. I don't. I'm ugh. I am a-jumble. I am a mess. I may soon not be able to even find my way around my apartment. I'm rudder-less. Adrift.

Despite all of this, especially the internal conflict over my agnostic, I am grateful because God has continued to remind me that He is still singing over me. That's weird no? I can easily imagine Him singing over me on those rare occasions I get it right, but to sing over me constantly? Even when I do things so counter to His perfect nature. Things so ugly to the majesty of my Creator? Such a far cry from the royal priesthood I have been called to?

I can't claim to know much about Calvinism, but it has been on my mind through this. I know three things about Calvinism. It has five points (5 point Calvinism), it is often mentioned with a sneer, and Mark Driscoll preaches about it. Now I am not saying I believe it yet, and certainly not just because Brother Mark supports it, but the idea....the idea that God has chosen me, despite the CRAP He knew I would do...well it has been a tremendous comfort through this. That He elected to love me regardless of the fact that I would never in my right mind have chosen Him, but instead would choose to wallow in the darkness. The darkness that covers so much and is infinitely more comfortable than the blinding glare of His light, where every single awful thing I have thought or done in 32.5 years is on display. Yet, in that light, where He always is, viewing every nasty secret that will ever cross my heart and every nasty public action I will commit from today until I die, seeing ALL of that, He chooses to love me. How bizarre? How humbling? How terrifying?