No real title

My continued involvement with my agnostic has lead me to spend a lot of time thinking about what I really believe. That can't be bad...right? I think about things like: will my Christian friends not be as close to me if I date him? (Which I am proud to say has not happened!) Or how will this decision affect the children in my life: nieces? kids of friends? kids at church? Or the biggie, if I'm willing to ignore the Lord telling me to not be unequally yoked, what else will I ignore. And WHY???

I'm not entirely sure I've been "doing" Christianity right. By that I mean I think I have spent all of this time saying that everything that happens is in God's hand, but truthfully have been striving daily with white knuckles to do what I think is right. (I DO know I can't earn salvation.) I can see now that that put a lot of pressure on me. Pressures like, do I mention Jesus enough to my niece and if not have I somehow missed a huge opportunity? Does my attitude at church affect the kids who see me? Have I done some permanent damage to their view of the church? How will I explain to my pre-teen friend Mikayla that she should not date a non-Christian boy, when I am? This really goes to the question of my credibility. While these concerns may be valid, the reality is they are not really in my control.

I don't really get how the Holy Spirit works. I tend to think of Him as the lesser of the Trinity. More like an angel or helping spirit than actually God. So I don't rely upon Him. I don't depend upon Him to take care of these concerns. I act like He is useless because I think I can take care of it all myself. All I need to do is work really hard or longer or persuade more people to help etc etc. Perhaps this view of the Holy Spirit is not related to how I "do" Christianity, but it might be.

Sorry, this post is all over the place.

But I have nothing to say!

I don't! I am fairly boring right now. No new drama. I know it has been over a week, but nothing has happened! OH! Duh! I made my own laundry soap!?! Not exciting enough to post about I suppose, especially since most of you have heard about it from the others who have done it. Oh, I could pass along a prayer request, couldn't I? My church is having a meeting this Saturday eve to consider a new church plant. Please pray that if this is God's will we will be faithful servants. Today I am watching my nieces while my sister is at work. Right now the 8 month old is crying in her crib while I count the seconds until the 2.5 yr old goes down for a nap too. 5 minutes until peace time! Boring I know, I told ya I had nothing to say.

ACKKKKKK

OK, I'm offically panicked and regretting all mature and healthy things said in previous blog!

Holly's theme for the day

As you well know, I've been struggling lately to keep my hope in Christ and not in some guy, any guy for that matter. I've been buoyed by your support, I really have. My friend Annie has been sending me emails that are not filled with fluff and delusions, but filled with the truth. These emails are blunt and loving and have really been on my mind. In addition, her sister Mary posted a photo yesterday that the Lord has used to remind me of who He is. You may have seen it, but if not, it is of Mary standing in prayer with her three boys tucked against her. She and her husband are building upon a legacy, raising their children in the ways of God. This image was so genuine and so true that I could not look away. I had to look and see something I could not have with a guy who thinks my faith is a fairytale.

Don't freak out, I'm not in love and I have only gone out with him twice, this is really more about what he represents: the hope I put in being chosen by a man. But the reality is, I have been chosen. I've been chosen by Christ and I have been cheating on him with my agnostic.

As I drove to church today, which I wept through, I was finally able to really talk to God about this. I was able to actually feel Him listening to me, despite the fact that I am not at the point yet of asking for forgiveness. I could have asked for it weeks ago, and every time I screwed up again, but I hate doing that. I prefer to come before Him without reservation, which I would have had.

I've been really honest with my pastor and his wife throughout this and they have been amazing. I can be totally honest, say whatever I need to and they still heap upon me the love of Christ. So today, when he preached on Galatians 1 11-15 he knew what I was thinking about. He preaches straight through books of the bible, so I know he did not manipulate this sermon, it was sent by God. The words "Hope in Christ and no one else" came up again and again. If I didn't know what I needed to do when I got there this morning I did after the sermon.

But there in lies the rub, as my philosophy professor used to say. I know what I need to do, but have yet to find the strength. This guy, he is not good enough. Not so much "not good enough" for Holly, as much as not good enough for the daughter of the Creator, for the daughter of the Lion of Judah. That phrase "Lion of Judah" has been in my head all day, I need to look it up and see what it really means. I think I'll learn something important.

So please pray for me, because going back to life without a boy in it will be really hard and lonely. Oh, even the thought of it feels awful. It really does. Not to have the excitement of hearing from him, of not looking forward to seeing him, of not pondering where the relationship will go. This feeling made me think today of a deeply theological Alanis Morisette song. Now Alanis is not known for her 'theology', nor do I think she realises the theological implications of this song, but they are there. I've posted a link to the song, sans the video so you can hear what I mean. This song is about how she has lived her life with a dream about how a relationship with a man would be and how she's always disappointed. (Ok, yes I'll admit most of her songs are about this.) This song is incredibly true for me. It's embarrassing to admit that. This guy, my agnostic, has become such a companion in my head, even though we've only gone out twice, that I am preparing to be very lonely without him. Alanis seems to think that the truth will ultimitely be found within herself, but in fact can only be found in a relationship with an actual Living God. I wonder if anyone has told her?

A favor for Martina

My dear friend Martina has shared with me her great blonging for a new post from me. Considering the lack of sleep I got on her couch last night due to her four adorable dogs, I am incapable of any rational thought. However, I am still capable of saying how much I love her and her family and am so very grateful to God that He had the foresight (odd to think of God as having foresight when He is ALL, but ok) to send them into my life. Wherever would I be without them?

Numbers 44 through 50 of (more) random stuff about Holly

44. I will always pick a worm up off the sidewalk and place him in the dirt, but I'd prefer no one see me. I can't stand to watch them struggle to breath in a puddle either so I fish them out.

45. I hate several words. Words that get under my skin. Mostly I hate the word p-a-n-t-i-e-s. Makes me want to take a bleach bath.

46. I'm a mess. Wait, this is supposed to be things you DON'T know about me. Ok, how about a total mess? A thief, a murderer, a blasphemer, a liar, and an adulterer (additions to number 46 coming soon I'm sure)

47. I really wish I had enough money to grocery shop at Wholefoods. Of course I would eat all of the food I bought, then would finally achieve fear of being wider than I am tall. Poverty has it's perks.

48. I went to Wholefoods today just to smell their flowers. My heart gave a funny little pitter-patter normally inspired by a boy. I think I have spring fever.

49. I wonder how much it would cost to fill my bathtub with flower blossoms and sit in it. Hyacinths, and tulips, and geraniums, and peonys, and irises, and..... Just once. Wouldn't that be glorious?

50. I think it is going to take another 30 years to compile 50 random things about me. I'm exhausted.

ugh

I have nothing of value to say. I don't. I'm ugh. I am a-jumble. I am a mess. I may soon not be able to even find my way around my apartment. I'm rudder-less. Adrift.

Despite all of this, especially the internal conflict over my agnostic, I am grateful because God has continued to remind me that He is still singing over me. That's weird no? I can easily imagine Him singing over me on those rare occasions I get it right, but to sing over me constantly? Even when I do things so counter to His perfect nature. Things so ugly to the majesty of my Creator? Such a far cry from the royal priesthood I have been called to?

I can't claim to know much about Calvinism, but it has been on my mind through this. I know three things about Calvinism. It has five points (5 point Calvinism), it is often mentioned with a sneer, and Mark Driscoll preaches about it. Now I am not saying I believe it yet, and certainly not just because Brother Mark supports it, but the idea....the idea that God has chosen me, despite the CRAP He knew I would do...well it has been a tremendous comfort through this. That He elected to love me regardless of the fact that I would never in my right mind have chosen Him, but instead would choose to wallow in the darkness. The darkness that covers so much and is infinitely more comfortable than the blinding glare of His light, where every single awful thing I have thought or done in 32.5 years is on display. Yet, in that light, where He always is, viewing every nasty secret that will ever cross my heart and every nasty public action I will commit from today until I die, seeing ALL of that, He chooses to love me. How bizarre? How humbling? How terrifying?