There is an awful lot going on both in my life and in my head lately. Individually, they are good things. Taken as a whole, they are so overwhelming. It's still early yet, in my ability to formulate a description, but I can say it stems from things God wants me to learn and positive blow-back from Kenya.
*I do know I have lived far too long listening to the lies Satan tells me about my worth.
*Those lies prevent me from being free in Christ. Not being free in Christ keeps me from being effective for my Lord's Kingdom. I don't want that.
*I have inadvertently lived in some sort of social bubble for far too long but the steps needed to end this can be scary. I'm trying to pace myself and God is good in not giving me too much to handle at once.
*I don't want to waste any more time living in fear of how people look at me, or how people react to me. I am who I am, fearfully and wonderfully made-even when I fall down.
*I don't want to hide my right to be treated with value behind a fake smile and a chipper disposition any more. So please stop staring at my chair and my car people, it's not that big of a deal!
*I do not want to be consumed with anger any more. Sometimes I can hide it well, but it is a poison in my body.
*If I continue working this hard to keep the world from seeing I am broken, then I can't fully acknowledge that I am broken before God. (And man oh man am I ever.) This was a huge revelation for me. My entire life has been built around proving to everyone that I don't need any help. I pray that God helps me find a good balance.
I think David said it best...
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
~bits of Psalm 139
of course David Bowie said it pretty good as well...