As you well know, I've been struggling lately to keep my hope in Christ and not in some guy, any guy for that matter. I've been buoyed by your support, I really have. My friend Annie has been sending me emails that are not filled with fluff and delusions, but filled with the truth. These emails are blunt and loving and have really been on my mind. In addition, her sister Mary posted a photo yesterday that the Lord has used to remind me of who He is. You may have seen it, but if not, it is of Mary standing in prayer with her three boys tucked against her. She and her husband are building upon a legacy, raising their children in the ways of God. This image was so genuine and so true that I could not look away. I had to look and see something I could not have with a guy who thinks my faith is a fairytale.
Don't freak out, I'm not in love and I have only gone out with him twice, this is really more about what he represents: the hope I put in being chosen by a man. But the reality is, I have been chosen. I've been chosen by Christ and I have been cheating on him with my agnostic.
As I drove to church today, which I wept through, I was finally able to really talk to God about this. I was able to actually feel Him listening to me, despite the fact that I am not at the point yet of asking for forgiveness. I could have asked for it weeks ago, and every time I screwed up again, but I hate doing that. I prefer to come before Him without reservation, which I would have had.
I've been really honest with my pastor and his wife throughout this and they have been amazing. I can be totally honest, say whatever I need to and they still heap upon me the love of Christ. So today, when he preached on Galatians 1 11-15 he knew what I was thinking about. He preaches straight through books of the bible, so I know he did not manipulate this sermon, it was sent by God. The words "Hope in Christ and no one else" came up again and again. If I didn't know what I needed to do when I got there this morning I did after the sermon.
But there in lies the rub, as my philosophy professor used to say. I know what I need to do, but have yet to find the strength. This guy, he is not good enough. Not so much "not good enough" for Holly, as much as not good enough for the daughter of the Creator, for the daughter of the Lion of Judah. That phrase "Lion of Judah" has been in my head all day, I need to look it up and see what it really means. I think I'll learn something important.
So please pray for me, because going back to life without a boy in it will be really hard and lonely. Oh, even the thought of it feels awful. It really does. Not to have the excitement of hearing from him, of not looking forward to seeing him, of not pondering where the relationship will go. This feeling made me think today of a deeply theological Alanis Morisette song. Now Alanis is not known for her 'theology', nor do I think she realises the theological implications of this song, but they are there. I've posted a link to the song, sans the video so you can hear what I mean. This song is about how she has lived her life with a dream about how a relationship with a man would be and how she's always disappointed. (Ok, yes I'll admit most of her songs are about this.) This song is incredibly true for me. It's embarrassing to admit that. This guy, my agnostic, has become such a companion in my head, even though we've only gone out twice, that I am preparing to be very lonely without him. Alanis seems to think that the truth will ultimitely be found within herself, but in fact can only be found in a relationship with an actual Living God. I wonder if anyone has told her?