Ch-ch-changes

There is an awful lot going on both in my life and in my head lately. Individually, they are good things. Taken as a whole, they are so overwhelming. It's still early yet, in my ability to formulate a description, but I can say it stems from things God wants me to learn and positive blow-back from Kenya.

*I do know I have lived far too long listening to the lies Satan tells me about my worth.

*Those lies prevent me from being free in Christ. Not being free in Christ keeps me from being effective for my Lord's Kingdom. I don't want that.

*I have inadvertently lived in some sort of social bubble for far too long but the steps needed to end this can be scary. I'm trying to pace myself and God is good in not giving me too much to handle at once.

*I don't want to waste any more time living in fear of how people look at me, or how people react to me. I am who I am, fearfully and wonderfully made-even when I fall down.

*I don't want to hide my right to be treated with value behind a fake smile and a chipper disposition any more. So please stop staring at my chair and my car people, it's not that big of a deal!

*I do not want to be consumed with anger any more. Sometimes I can hide it well, but it is a poison in my body.

*If I continue working this hard to keep the world from seeing I am broken, then I can't fully acknowledge that I am broken before God. (And man oh man am I ever.) This was a huge revelation for me. My entire life has been built around proving to everyone that I don't need any help. I pray that God helps me find a good balance.

I think David said it best...
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
...
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
...
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

~bits of Psalm 139

of course David Bowie said it pretty good as well...

RAWR!

I should change the name of my blog to All Holly Ever Does is Whine! but it seems this is a go-to-place for me to work out big issues. Today's gripe? It's actually an ongoing complaint: my life is TOO SMALL!

Back story? I've been trying to find kid dvds with worship and bible stories to share with my nieces. All I seem to find is suburban soccer moms with fake nails and Texas hair. (What I want is Yo Gabba Gabba with the Gospel!) The Church in America is so falsely tied to that culture and it drives me nuts! Jesus may have been born in a hick town, but as soon as He could, He moved to the city. He had a diverse group of friends and knew how to do cutting edge church. And don't forget, the New Jerusalem will be a fantastic CITY!

Me? I live in the same town I was born in, go to the same church I was raised in and while I do have friends who are not just WASPs like me, I still feel suffocated. For example, I was talking to my mom about how much I love Mars Hill Church in Seattle and she said, "I'm not helping to move you back to Seattle." She also once told me not to fall in love with a missionary. Her point? She'll support me sticking around, but anything else???

This started out today as just a theoretical complaint-not finding the dvds, but then I started thinking about if I had kids. What would we watch? How would I show them that Jesus is not in fact some white middle class guy living in suburban America whose buddies are all on the same softball team with wives who are the head of the PTA? Scratch that, their wives would of course be homeschooling.

That's when I really started to panic! How am I going to get these hypothetical kids if I live an a small town with barely any guys my age, more or less single ones who love Jesus? And they certainly don't go to my church. I'm the youth group at 33. I am not kidding.

So you're probably thinking by now, "Holly, stop whining and do something about it! Yikes!" But poverty is a tricky opponent and practically has me pinned to the (hometown)mat. The only way I'm getting out of here is if God Himself wants me to move. Yes please, Father!

Life is fleeting, ya know? I want to serve God with gusto! With passion! And live a life that reflects that. I've tried many different ways to do that here but my options feel limited and I feel I've ended up living a tiny life where the latest excitement is the new fro-yo shop in town. (That's not hyperbole, but in fact really yummy!)

What do I want? I want to go to a church that can't contain the power of God because He is so alive there. I want to have ministries to get involved in that are supported and radically serve God. I want to worship with my peers in a relevant way. Meet a fella who loves Jesus and has a job, to raise kids with who are fire for their God and whose world view is not limited by geography. Is that really asking too much?

A love story.

Last night I went to see A Young Victoria, an independent film about Queen Victoria of England. Her life is seen as rather dull, particularly for English royalty, but the film makers did a good job of creating a compelling story about her life around the time of her coronation. Basically it is a simple, well told love story about her and her husband Albert. Not over the top or trashy, but sweet and sincere. There were definitely moments when I was a bit sad seeing their joy at my own single-hood.

But the funniest thing happened on the way home. As I was driving I felt a longing for my love, a longing for Jesus. I wanted to hurry home and read my bible, to spend time with God. It was the same emotional response as when I have a fella. I have never associated those emotions with my relationship with God and I think that's some good old fashioned growth, don't you?

Check it out. If only for the costumes!

www.theyoungvictoriamovie.com

I hate politics.

No, I REALLY %$&#ing hate them. I hate how perfectly reasonable people become so stubborn and refuse to even acknowledge that the other side isn't somehow the anti-Christ. I hate how Christians often slip from being brothers and sisters in Christ to being angry supporters of a political cause or party. But the thing I hate the most is feeling like other Christians think I am some how less of a believer in Jesus if I don't feel compelled to get mad about their selected political causes. Some people even insinuate I'm not a Believer at all because I don't get angry about abortion.

I DO NOT CARE WHICH PARTY IS RIGHT, much to the chagrin of my politically liberal family and conservative friends. I don't believe I should be affiliated with any political party. My affiliation is with Christ alone. And I don't think He gives a rat's patootie about health care reform, or gun laws, or salmon fisheries, or how the US defines marriage, or global warming, or World Fill In the Blank Day. He cares about people. Are the people Christ cares about affected by these issues? Of course. But Jesus made it pretty clear that He cares more about people's eternal souls than the temporary suffering of this world. And all of that shit is temporary-thank You God!

I firmly believe that politics is a tool to divide people. And when Christians allow their politics to overshadow their faith, I believe they are playing into the hands of Satan, who uses this to drive a further wedge between people. Wedges that go a long way to prevent non-Christians from seeing the good of Christians. Because they see us as getting irate about political causes but not about them and their needs. Needs such as having someone love them, walk along side them in their struggles, and let them see how Christ helps us when we struggle. (i.e. LETTING THEM SEE HOW MUCH GOD LOVES THEM!!!)

If you've known me long then you probably know that I used to love politics. Poli Sci was my major in college for some time and countless hours were spent arguing the finer points of policy and this NGO over that NGO. But as I grow closer to God I grow to depend on Him, not some temporary political system that has always been faulty and always will be.

There will be no need for politics in heaven, and I'm looking forward to it!

Gratefulness embellished

Feeling even more grateful today so I thought I'd make a list. In no particular order...

~ Yarn shops, like Cast Away in Santa Rosa which I feel in love with this morning.

~ Yarn shop dogs named Olive.

~ That my niece says "I chomped it!" to mean a variety of things.

~ Late Winter: when soft colors start to return and the hills here are green and the grape vines are dark brown and look amazing in the mustard fields. Makes me want to be Beatrix Potter.

~ Dance music: espcially David Crowder band. Love dancing to him in my car with my nieces, with at least one hand on the wheel.

~ Good friendsies.

~ Reading blogs by creative peeps who knit and tell me all about it. There is no end of them and I can't keep up!

~ The way jeans feel after not washing them for a week-perfect!

~ My bright pink cons that I got on clearance at Target for five bucks because I have small feet.

~ Imagining what Heaven will be like and the places I'll get to hike! Mossy, tree covered streams that smell like flowers. Can't wait.

~ Reading bible stories with my niece Amelia before she naps and telling her how much Christ loves her and then praying over her.

~ Singing worship songs with my niece Maureen before she naps and how she tries to sing along and when she hears me say the name of Jesus she shouts YE SHUSH! And how she puts her hands together in front of her huge grin when I pray for her before I put her down.

~ Sweaters.

~ Oh and.... for the Ovis aries-the common sheep! Not so common! Grateful for their wool: warm and fluffy and spun into pretty colors of rovering and yarn and pretty such things. And grateful for the shops they put the yarn in and the pretty things we can make from it. Oh, and lamb stew ain't bad either.

Phew!

Feelin' Grateful

It's pretty hard to focus on my walk with Christ in the midst of the hubbub. And there's been plenty of hubbub lately!. But right now all is quiet; nieces are sleeping, house is cleaned up for the parents to come home, and even have a craft project drying on the table. On maybe four hours sleep mind you-I'm a rock star nanny today!

Despite the hubbub, I have managed (so far, God willing!)to read scripture everyday since January 7th. So what, I was a little late getting started? But I am pleased to say I have been keeping it up even when slogging it out in Leviticus. I think it has helped me be more mindful of God in small moments. When I could growl about and complain, instead I remember that He is actually capable of changing my mood even if the situation remains the same. And so I choose more often to submit, even if I'm sleep deprived or feeling taken a bit for granted, to His will and be Christ to the people around me-as much as I can!

Another spiritual growth spurt worth noting: I've been feeling more confident. It is a big big big issue for me but I've been noticing subtle changes in my thought patterns that I thank God for. The easiest way for Satan to keep me from serving God is to make me feel not worthy. Having been a nanny for two toddlers over six months now I am feeling confident that I am capable of being a parent someday. Thank you God, that's a huge relief for me! Now...when shall this happen eh???

I think my mission to Africa is starting to change my way of thinking also. Most people I talk to re traveling to Africa practically act like it's as far away as Mars, an unachievable place to go. But *I* have been there. Me! God heard the cries of my heart to serve Him and know without a shadow of a doubt that I CAN do missions, and now I have! I don't have a plan yet for another mission, but I'm keeping my eyes and ears open!

Sad week

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Cor. 12:9 (HCSB)

I have been keeping up to date on when Pastor Driscoll has been doing in Haiti via his facebook page and noticed a comment by someone that was to a link to blogspot blog. I followed the link and ugh, the most recent post was by family letting the readers know that Molly, the blog's author was dead. As I read about this young woman I of course started to cry. She moved to Haiti 6 months ago to work in an orphanage. While it was not totally clear if she was a Christian, some of the comments suggest that she was.

Pastor Driscoll's post have been equally upsetting; tales of him seeing countless dead. I'm sorry to say he witnessed a young man being shot dead just outside of a local seminary.

Now, I have no idea if I would be strong enough to go and do what these people did, but oh how I wish I could. I hate that my chair keeps me on the bench. I hate that I can't just volunteer and poof! I'm living this extraordinary life being of service to people in need. Most people see tragedy like this and may stop for a few moments to take it in, but few have the drive to go! do! throw off convention and risk! That's what I want. That's how I want to live. Instead I sit and live this little life, feeling inconsequential.

I know that my God is good and has a plan to use my skills and limitations for His glory, but I can't get over feeling that I am missing it somehow. Like figuring out His plan for my life is a maze I have to conquer. This is not how He works, yet I can't grasp how He does work. *sigh* It's late and I'm rambling. I just needed to talk about Pastor Mark and Molly.

It's a quiet life

Today was sleepy and I loved it. I appreciate the quiet world of Beatrix Potter and her love of over grown plants and drippy rain. That's what the world looks like here today. Since it's Tuesday I am watching my sister's girls and when I woke Maureen up from her nap she was so funny I had to take a picture. She gets the best bed head! Plus she's wearing the first sweater I ever made, which is now this mangy crop top sweater. When I picked her up she had the worst breath of milk, cheese, and salami. It's a tiny world I live in and I am privileged to be here.