If you'll recall I had an email from an ex-friend that I've been pondering how to respond to for a few weeks now. (see earlier post) I don't mean to sound dramatic, but ever since I received his email I have been feeling gross, angry, irrational, and even questioning my faith. I don't think it was because of him really, just perhaps a symptom based on my reaction. I really don't know yet.
Along with being available on stupid facebook to the likes of him (ugh!), I have been able to talk with old friends. Friends that knew me when I was the farthest away from God. Totally unexpectedly, it has really shaken my center. Not because they are bad people, they are in fact really good people (who are non-Christians). They always treated me really well, even when I was a dumb young girl who didn't know what trouble she could have gotten herself into. Especially the guys, they always looked out for me like a little sister. So it has been nice to talk with them again. They can see from my page that I am a Christian now but none of them seem to find it off-putting. It's kind of been like old times... including my behaviour. Despite no pressure from any of them to do so, I slid right back into my old habits! I keep thinking "...I don't understand what I am doing, because I do not do what I want to do, but I do what I hate." (Rom 7:15)
The reality is this....being a Christian is (often) hard for me. Curbing my behaviour, not doing things I want, giving up things I feel certain I need to trust that God knows better than I do. It can be so hard. At least it has been for me lately. Frankly, I have fun talking and joking with them online to replace the loneliness that I feel sitting around waiting for God to show me what He has planned for me. I don't feel like I can do that anymore.
I want to be married. I want to raise children to honor God. I want my husband to cherish me and pray over our children when he goes to work everyday. And yet....this has not happened. This is probably THE major stumbling block for me. For some reason I've been reading a lot of different blogs by several women (most of whom I have never even meet) who seem to be doing just what I want. Blogging merrily about their lives with their Christ-like husbands and posting pictures of their babies who will (God willing) grow up into men and women of Christ. If you think I am referring to you and your blog, please don't take offense. I love your blogs and have gotten a tremendous amount from them. If anything, they help me visualize what can actually be in a Christian marriage. It is hard however always being a fly on the wall instead of a participant.
In that vein, I accepted the offer of a date with one on these old friends. He's smart and funny and charming and was really kind to my sister and I when we were young and our grandfather died. He's a good guy. He's also an agnostic. Seriously. Sexual sin is not something I struggle with often, thanks to the grace of God. But when I do struggle with it, it becomes all consuming. I want the closeness that comes from that kind of a relationship. With this guy, there is the possibility of fulfilling that, even if for only a while. On the date I was looking at him and thinking, "I don't want to give up Jesus for this guy!" Yet given opportunities to end it, I have not. Honestly, I like the attention and I'm not sure I want to let it go yet.
Hmmm, what else it there to say? I emailed that ex-friend today with a brief explanation and reminder that I did not want to be friends again. I gave him no opportunity to think I would be willing to hear from him. I did however tell him a little about my faith and then pasted in an article from Vernon McGee about the real way to heaven. At least I don't have to worry about responding to him anymore.
Well there you have it. Holly in all her honesty, nearly as naked as the day she was born. The good news? God already knows how this is going to end and promises that it too will be to His glory. I just wish I knew how...