Tuesday, December 15, 2009

With deepest regrets...

I do apologize for my two month absence from this blog. Lame, I know. Much has happened and nothing much has happened. Just know my computer decided to take a prolonged nap (until I can afford to fix it) and so my access to the internet has been inconsistent. That is however a cheap excuse to cover the fact that I haven't wanted to blog. Mostly it's been a matter too little time and too much coming at me all at once to sort my thoughts out.

So why blog at all right? It's not a requirement in this post-modern world,is it? No, but I wonder if I might not have been benefiting by writing about my spiritual walk. Since I am feeling rather adrift from God right now, I thought I'd see if this helped.

Tonight, while driving from city x to city y (about 45 min) I was thinking about this past year. It was rough. If you recall, I had some drama with that atheist guy. My sister informed me today that his ex-wife and mother to his 7 yr old daughter died. That got me to thinking about the situation. It's hard to have compassion for someone and want to be kind to them without getting into that whole mess again. Even more so, how hard it must be to lose a parent with no hope of ever seeing them again or even knowing what will happen to you when you die. (Pray for your enemies, right?)

That lead me to think about my maternal grandmother who is failing physically, for no known reason. She knows Jesus and I think is anxious to finally get to see him. I can't blame her, sometimes I feel the same. She's been a major force in my life and I am not ready to go through the process of losing her.

I did end up going on mission to Kenya. I have virtually no idea how I feel about it, to be honest. God IS good, and was very very good to take me there. I just don't know how to feel about the spiritual aspects of the mission. It left me with a lot of doubt and confusion. I've had trouble explaining how I feel about the trip, especially since people had such high expectations, but the closest I've come so far to understanding what happened is this: the closer we grow to God, the more we realize how very far we are away from Him.

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