Ch-ch-changes

There is an awful lot going on both in my life and in my head lately. Individually, they are good things. Taken as a whole, they are so overwhelming. It's still early yet, in my ability to formulate a description, but I can say it stems from things God wants me to learn and positive blow-back from Kenya.

*I do know I have lived far too long listening to the lies Satan tells me about my worth.

*Those lies prevent me from being free in Christ. Not being free in Christ keeps me from being effective for my Lord's Kingdom. I don't want that.

*I have inadvertently lived in some sort of social bubble for far too long but the steps needed to end this can be scary. I'm trying to pace myself and God is good in not giving me too much to handle at once.

*I don't want to waste any more time living in fear of how people look at me, or how people react to me. I am who I am, fearfully and wonderfully made-even when I fall down.

*I don't want to hide my right to be treated with value behind a fake smile and a chipper disposition any more. So please stop staring at my chair and my car people, it's not that big of a deal!

*I do not want to be consumed with anger any more. Sometimes I can hide it well, but it is a poison in my body.

*If I continue working this hard to keep the world from seeing I am broken, then I can't fully acknowledge that I am broken before God. (And man oh man am I ever.) This was a huge revelation for me. My entire life has been built around proving to everyone that I don't need any help. I pray that God helps me find a good balance.

I think David said it best...
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
...
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
...
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

~bits of Psalm 139

of course David Bowie said it pretty good as well...

RAWR!

I should change the name of my blog to All Holly Ever Does is Whine! but it seems this is a go-to-place for me to work out big issues. Today's gripe? It's actually an ongoing complaint: my life is TOO SMALL!

Back story? I've been trying to find kid dvds with worship and bible stories to share with my nieces. All I seem to find is suburban soccer moms with fake nails and Texas hair. (What I want is Yo Gabba Gabba with the Gospel!) The Church in America is so falsely tied to that culture and it drives me nuts! Jesus may have been born in a hick town, but as soon as He could, He moved to the city. He had a diverse group of friends and knew how to do cutting edge church. And don't forget, the New Jerusalem will be a fantastic CITY!

Me? I live in the same town I was born in, go to the same church I was raised in and while I do have friends who are not just WASPs like me, I still feel suffocated. For example, I was talking to my mom about how much I love Mars Hill Church in Seattle and she said, "I'm not helping to move you back to Seattle." She also once told me not to fall in love with a missionary. Her point? She'll support me sticking around, but anything else???

This started out today as just a theoretical complaint-not finding the dvds, but then I started thinking about if I had kids. What would we watch? How would I show them that Jesus is not in fact some white middle class guy living in suburban America whose buddies are all on the same softball team with wives who are the head of the PTA? Scratch that, their wives would of course be homeschooling.

That's when I really started to panic! How am I going to get these hypothetical kids if I live an a small town with barely any guys my age, more or less single ones who love Jesus? And they certainly don't go to my church. I'm the youth group at 33. I am not kidding.

So you're probably thinking by now, "Holly, stop whining and do something about it! Yikes!" But poverty is a tricky opponent and practically has me pinned to the (hometown)mat. The only way I'm getting out of here is if God Himself wants me to move. Yes please, Father!

Life is fleeting, ya know? I want to serve God with gusto! With passion! And live a life that reflects that. I've tried many different ways to do that here but my options feel limited and I feel I've ended up living a tiny life where the latest excitement is the new fro-yo shop in town. (That's not hyperbole, but in fact really yummy!)

What do I want? I want to go to a church that can't contain the power of God because He is so alive there. I want to have ministries to get involved in that are supported and radically serve God. I want to worship with my peers in a relevant way. Meet a fella who loves Jesus and has a job, to raise kids with who are fire for their God and whose world view is not limited by geography. Is that really asking too much?

A love story.

Last night I went to see A Young Victoria, an independent film about Queen Victoria of England. Her life is seen as rather dull, particularly for English royalty, but the film makers did a good job of creating a compelling story about her life around the time of her coronation. Basically it is a simple, well told love story about her and her husband Albert. Not over the top or trashy, but sweet and sincere. There were definitely moments when I was a bit sad seeing their joy at my own single-hood.

But the funniest thing happened on the way home. As I was driving I felt a longing for my love, a longing for Jesus. I wanted to hurry home and read my bible, to spend time with God. It was the same emotional response as when I have a fella. I have never associated those emotions with my relationship with God and I think that's some good old fashioned growth, don't you?

Check it out. If only for the costumes!

www.theyoungvictoriamovie.com

I hate politics.

No, I REALLY %$&#ing hate them. I hate how perfectly reasonable people become so stubborn and refuse to even acknowledge that the other side isn't somehow the anti-Christ. I hate how Christians often slip from being brothers and sisters in Christ to being angry supporters of a political cause or party. But the thing I hate the most is feeling like other Christians think I am some how less of a believer in Jesus if I don't feel compelled to get mad about their selected political causes. Some people even insinuate I'm not a Believer at all because I don't get angry about abortion.

I DO NOT CARE WHICH PARTY IS RIGHT, much to the chagrin of my politically liberal family and conservative friends. I don't believe I should be affiliated with any political party. My affiliation is with Christ alone. And I don't think He gives a rat's patootie about health care reform, or gun laws, or salmon fisheries, or how the US defines marriage, or global warming, or World Fill In the Blank Day. He cares about people. Are the people Christ cares about affected by these issues? Of course. But Jesus made it pretty clear that He cares more about people's eternal souls than the temporary suffering of this world. And all of that shit is temporary-thank You God!

I firmly believe that politics is a tool to divide people. And when Christians allow their politics to overshadow their faith, I believe they are playing into the hands of Satan, who uses this to drive a further wedge between people. Wedges that go a long way to prevent non-Christians from seeing the good of Christians. Because they see us as getting irate about political causes but not about them and their needs. Needs such as having someone love them, walk along side them in their struggles, and let them see how Christ helps us when we struggle. (i.e. LETTING THEM SEE HOW MUCH GOD LOVES THEM!!!)

If you've known me long then you probably know that I used to love politics. Poli Sci was my major in college for some time and countless hours were spent arguing the finer points of policy and this NGO over that NGO. But as I grow closer to God I grow to depend on Him, not some temporary political system that has always been faulty and always will be.

There will be no need for politics in heaven, and I'm looking forward to it!

Gratefulness embellished

Feeling even more grateful today so I thought I'd make a list. In no particular order...

~ Yarn shops, like Cast Away in Santa Rosa which I feel in love with this morning.

~ Yarn shop dogs named Olive.

~ That my niece says "I chomped it!" to mean a variety of things.

~ Late Winter: when soft colors start to return and the hills here are green and the grape vines are dark brown and look amazing in the mustard fields. Makes me want to be Beatrix Potter.

~ Dance music: espcially David Crowder band. Love dancing to him in my car with my nieces, with at least one hand on the wheel.

~ Good friendsies.

~ Reading blogs by creative peeps who knit and tell me all about it. There is no end of them and I can't keep up!

~ The way jeans feel after not washing them for a week-perfect!

~ My bright pink cons that I got on clearance at Target for five bucks because I have small feet.

~ Imagining what Heaven will be like and the places I'll get to hike! Mossy, tree covered streams that smell like flowers. Can't wait.

~ Reading bible stories with my niece Amelia before she naps and telling her how much Christ loves her and then praying over her.

~ Singing worship songs with my niece Maureen before she naps and how she tries to sing along and when she hears me say the name of Jesus she shouts YE SHUSH! And how she puts her hands together in front of her huge grin when I pray for her before I put her down.

~ Sweaters.

~ Oh and.... for the Ovis aries-the common sheep! Not so common! Grateful for their wool: warm and fluffy and spun into pretty colors of rovering and yarn and pretty such things. And grateful for the shops they put the yarn in and the pretty things we can make from it. Oh, and lamb stew ain't bad either.

Phew!

Feelin' Grateful

It's pretty hard to focus on my walk with Christ in the midst of the hubbub. And there's been plenty of hubbub lately!. But right now all is quiet; nieces are sleeping, house is cleaned up for the parents to come home, and even have a craft project drying on the table. On maybe four hours sleep mind you-I'm a rock star nanny today!

Despite the hubbub, I have managed (so far, God willing!)to read scripture everyday since January 7th. So what, I was a little late getting started? But I am pleased to say I have been keeping it up even when slogging it out in Leviticus. I think it has helped me be more mindful of God in small moments. When I could growl about and complain, instead I remember that He is actually capable of changing my mood even if the situation remains the same. And so I choose more often to submit, even if I'm sleep deprived or feeling taken a bit for granted, to His will and be Christ to the people around me-as much as I can!

Another spiritual growth spurt worth noting: I've been feeling more confident. It is a big big big issue for me but I've been noticing subtle changes in my thought patterns that I thank God for. The easiest way for Satan to keep me from serving God is to make me feel not worthy. Having been a nanny for two toddlers over six months now I am feeling confident that I am capable of being a parent someday. Thank you God, that's a huge relief for me! Now...when shall this happen eh???

I think my mission to Africa is starting to change my way of thinking also. Most people I talk to re traveling to Africa practically act like it's as far away as Mars, an unachievable place to go. But *I* have been there. Me! God heard the cries of my heart to serve Him and know without a shadow of a doubt that I CAN do missions, and now I have! I don't have a plan yet for another mission, but I'm keeping my eyes and ears open!

Sad week

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Cor. 12:9 (HCSB)

I have been keeping up to date on when Pastor Driscoll has been doing in Haiti via his facebook page and noticed a comment by someone that was to a link to blogspot blog. I followed the link and ugh, the most recent post was by family letting the readers know that Molly, the blog's author was dead. As I read about this young woman I of course started to cry. She moved to Haiti 6 months ago to work in an orphanage. While it was not totally clear if she was a Christian, some of the comments suggest that she was.

Pastor Driscoll's post have been equally upsetting; tales of him seeing countless dead. I'm sorry to say he witnessed a young man being shot dead just outside of a local seminary.

Now, I have no idea if I would be strong enough to go and do what these people did, but oh how I wish I could. I hate that my chair keeps me on the bench. I hate that I can't just volunteer and poof! I'm living this extraordinary life being of service to people in need. Most people see tragedy like this and may stop for a few moments to take it in, but few have the drive to go! do! throw off convention and risk! That's what I want. That's how I want to live. Instead I sit and live this little life, feeling inconsequential.

I know that my God is good and has a plan to use my skills and limitations for His glory, but I can't get over feeling that I am missing it somehow. Like figuring out His plan for my life is a maze I have to conquer. This is not how He works, yet I can't grasp how He does work. *sigh* It's late and I'm rambling. I just needed to talk about Pastor Mark and Molly.

It's a quiet life

Today was sleepy and I loved it. I appreciate the quiet world of Beatrix Potter and her love of over grown plants and drippy rain. That's what the world looks like here today. Since it's Tuesday I am watching my sister's girls and when I woke Maureen up from her nap she was so funny I had to take a picture. She gets the best bed head! Plus she's wearing the first sweater I ever made, which is now this mangy crop top sweater. When I picked her up she had the worst breath of milk, cheese, and salami. It's a tiny world I live in and I am privileged to be here.

The Mammas and The Pappas got it right.

These short end-of-the-year days always make me feel hyper reflective. Perhaps it's the long stretch of hours after the sun goes down, or all of those year in review specials on TV. Either way, I am compelled to plot a new life for the coming year with an unrelenting drive like in March of the Penguins. They just kept pressing towards the spot where they always bred, stepping around their dead frozen friends and leaving food sources way behind. I'da stuck near the food if ya know what I mean.

But why this time of year? Why not obsess over renewal, say, in February? For Chinese New Year? Maybe it's because it doesn't feels like the death is fresh in February (instead we're well into the mourning period), but in late December it's easy to imagine the year circling the drain since all of nature seems to be.

So I buy a new planner and diligently fill in all the blanks. I never buy one of those refillable planners because I know my attention span may not make it past the Spring bulbs, more or less for years to come. Plus, it's exciting to buy a new one and I've found the selection of planners is pretty thin at Chinese New Year.

I am wildly uncomfortable with schedules yet enjoy writing events in my new planner, including events I do each week, as if I'm so busy I might forget. I will honestly write in "Church, 11 a.m." on Sunday morning just to put something on the page. But usually I forget to write down appointments and stuff, so I'll write it in after and then check it off as complete. I live a small life it would seem.

This year I reread the Chronicles of Narnia and was transfixed by the way Lewis wrote God into all of nature. It helped me visualize how nature yearns for the world to be made right and how if we Believers were to stop praising the goodness of God, the rocks would have to take over. (Luke 19:40) So right now, even as trees are stripped of their leaves and shrubs frostbitten melt away into mush, they are waiting for God to renew them as He always has. Oh crap. A sycamore tree has more faith than I do. Deep in it's roots are the memories of how God has always renewed no matter how bad the winter got. I can't seem to even remember how God helped me avoid that car accident yesterday.

Yet I am built for renewal as much as a pansy or a slime mold. My cells renew every six months, I am not the same as I was yesterday. (Totally stealing from Donald Miller here. Thanks buddy.) So why do I insist on believing that nothing ever changes in my life? And that this sliver of time is my only chance to lay the ground work for 2010? Maybe it is because I am built for renewal that I seek it. But no matter how I rearrange the trappings of my life, the ingredients remain the same. And let's be honest, they always will. I got what I got. The Creator of the universe, the Author of all things good choose me for this gig. Who am I to complain? It's not like He doesn't know what He's doing.

God is good. All the time. Because THAT is His nature.

With deepest regrets...

I do apologize for my two month absence from this blog. Lame, I know. Much has happened and nothing much has happened. Just know my computer decided to take a prolonged nap (until I can afford to fix it) and so my access to the internet has been inconsistent. That is however a cheap excuse to cover the fact that I haven't wanted to blog. Mostly it's been a matter too little time and too much coming at me all at once to sort my thoughts out.

So why blog at all right? It's not a requirement in this post-modern world,is it? No, but I wonder if I might not have been benefiting by writing about my spiritual walk. Since I am feeling rather adrift from God right now, I thought I'd see if this helped.

Tonight, while driving from city x to city y (about 45 min) I was thinking about this past year. It was rough. If you recall, I had some drama with that atheist guy. My sister informed me today that his ex-wife and mother to his 7 yr old daughter died. That got me to thinking about the situation. It's hard to have compassion for someone and want to be kind to them without getting into that whole mess again. Even more so, how hard it must be to lose a parent with no hope of ever seeing them again or even knowing what will happen to you when you die. (Pray for your enemies, right?)

That lead me to think about my maternal grandmother who is failing physically, for no known reason. She knows Jesus and I think is anxious to finally get to see him. I can't blame her, sometimes I feel the same. She's been a major force in my life and I am not ready to go through the process of losing her.

I did end up going on mission to Kenya. I have virtually no idea how I feel about it, to be honest. God IS good, and was very very good to take me there. I just don't know how to feel about the spiritual aspects of the mission. It left me with a lot of doubt and confusion. I've had trouble explaining how I feel about the trip, especially since people had such high expectations, but the closest I've come so far to understanding what happened is this: the closer we grow to God, the more we realize how very far we are away from Him.

Prayer Request

So...I am asking you for some major prayer support. Why? Because I am potentially not going to raise enough money for my mission trip and IF that happens, I need strength to praise God despite my disappointment. Lots of non-believers I know are aware of my plans and I want to be able to tell them that even though I am not going, God is in control of my life and that even in hardship God is worthy of praise. I suspect that will be hard for me to do without lying. But...God is amazing and perfectly capable of making sure I get the funds in time. But...if God doesn't want me to go, I won't be, even if I really really want to go! I still need to raise 75% of the money in three weeks!!! That's doable right?

I recently started watching my nieces again since my sister went back to teaching full time. It's hard because I have to sleep on their couch three days a week and miss having my own space. But I get to do the greatest things too. Like today, I was putting Amelia down for her nap and her three year old self insisted she didn't need to sleep. She refused to pick out any books to read before nap time, so I did. I choose two books about how much God loves us. One is this amazing book called "God Gave Us You" which always makes me cry. Of course today it did as well. But not for the usual reasons-gratitude for the gift of these girls, but for a new reason.

I have been feeling that God is slowly working on my need to rely on things other than Him for comfort. My accessible apartment, for example. I love it and could not imagine moving. Even though it's been a huge blessing, I have been feeling God slowly teaching me that I would be ok without it. That I can live anywhere, accessible or not, if I have Him. Just one of many examples.

I have been aware of these changes and have recognized that the last thing I felt a need to cling to was being near my nieces. I love them so much and would hate to not be a significant part of their lives because I lived far away. I have justified my position to God by claiming that I am the main, near daily Christian influence in their lives, and how would God bring them into salvation without me?

While I was reading this book, listening to Amelia snore, I gave the girls to God. I released my need to see them, so that God's will can be done in my life. This does not mean that He has plans for me to move etc. but I know He wants me WILLING to go where ever He sends me. My Lord loves them even more than I do, so they will always be in the best of hands.

Let's just ignore the two month gap shall we?

OK? Good.

Now that we have that settled, GUESS WHAT I AM DOING??? I am planning a mission trip to Kenya in November! God, and Chris Welkley, inspired me to apply and now I have less than three months to raise nearly 4 grand. Scary for us but not so for the owner of a thousand sheep on a thousand hills, right?

I should have blogged the day I heard that they'd take me, I was so full of praise! I drove from my hometown to my sister's (about an hour and a half away) singing praise songs and crying with joy for the goodness of my Lord the whole way. Sappy I know, but I was so grateful. Shouting adoration and exaltations to one so good just doesn't seem like enough.

I will definitely keep you updated via my blog, after all I may have to ask you for money. ;)

A Chris Welkey inspired blog

OK, so yesterday I go to my local Starbucks to drink coffee and read books right? This is what the unemployed do. I notice the new barista is super slow, but I've got no job to hurry back to. So I wait patiently. Not a big deal.

After I enjoy my coffee I start to get hungry and decide to get a deli sandwich from the grocery store. I go to the counter. I see no staff. I say "hello!" Nothing. I go around to the far end and see a young woman kind of standing there and so I ask, "Can you help me?" "Oh yeah" she says with little haste. Very blank. She comes to the counter and I say, "I'd like a turkey and swiss, on sour dough, with everything." "Oh...ok" she says. She goes to bread bins, pokes a few and says "Oh, sorry we have no sourdough." I say, "Ok, just a hard french roll then." I choose this because I can SEE it, right? No she says, they don't have any. She walks back to counter leaving the plastic bins open-food sanitation is a must for me! She stands at the counter saying...nothing! Just looking at me. I say, "Well, what can you do?" She says "Sorry." I say, trying HARD to control the snark in my voice, "So there is not a single sour dough roll or single french roll in this grocery store? (long pause-nothing, so I say...) You can't just go get some off a shelf?" She says, kind of surprised, "Yeah, that's a good idea." And continues to stand there. I finally say "You don't want me to go get it right?" Snarky as all get out now. "Oh, ok" she says. She wanders off and returns within less than five minutes, so I think she's made good time. She marvels at the fact that she found a sour dough baggett in the BAKERY! Such luck! She proceeds to make my sandwich, slowly. "You want turkey?" "Yes, turkey with swiss and everything on it." "You want cheese?" "Yes, swiss." "You want mayonnaise?" Every. item. that. could. go. on. the. sandwich. was proceeded by the asking of this question.

Now, if I had perceived any sort of biological reason for her slowness, such as a disability or had I seen flame red eyes that might explain her stoned behavior I would not complain. BUT she seemed perfectly capable of normal cognitive functions and seemed pretty sober, so the fact that she's just some silly young girl who doesn't get that when one is WORKING there should be some haste drove me bonkers. That's when I thought of Chris and knew I had to blog it!

Hello? Is this thing on?

I've been doing better as a blogger, ya know, blogging more often. Yet no comment joy for me. So sad.

HELP!

Yesterday I was hanging out with my nieces and feeling really happy and content. I thought, if God never gives me kids I'll still be happy with this. This is so good it's enough!

Today is another story. My sister, Dad, and I watched the movie Juno while Amelia was at her first day of pre-school. When she got home I was filled with such I-want-to-have-kids emotions I had trouble hiding my teary eyes. Even Amelia screaming about wanting her pink flip flops didn't touch it. Of course when she started to start screaming about not wanting to wear underwear, I'll admit the feeling slipped a little.

It's hard to wait on the Lord.

Wrestling Match

Today I am just enjoying the wrestling I am doing with God. Pray for me? Pray that I will soon get His blessing and know His will for my life.

Memorial Day

Normally I dislike sermons that focus on a holiday (save for Christmas and Easter of course) because I find that they tend to be cheesy. But I was visiting my sister for the weekend and so I planned to go to a local church Sunday morning. While I was getting ready my niece Amelia asked me if she could go with me. My sister put an extra car seat in my car and Amelia and I had out first outing together alone-to church! I was of course delighted to have her in my car yet acutely aware of my driving. We ran to Starbucks and had a drink (The usual for me, triple shot for the toddler) before showing up to church.

Long story short, she was so well behaved. Tried to sing along, kept pretty quiet during prayer and even shook a few hands without coaching. Eventually she got bored sitting still and we went into the "Cry Room" as we call it at home. But what I did hear of the sermon struck me.

The pastor was preaching on Memorials, such as the Ebenezer built by the Israelites after God lead them across the Jordan River. (Josh 4) He told us story after story of God intervening in his life and how despite the power of these moments he often forgot about them, so he keeps a list to memorialize them. He did not want to forget how God had blessed him because when hard times come, as they do, he wanted to remember them and therefore be confident because the God who showed up in his past would show up again. Looking at my niece, a memorial to God answering prayer, who was so prayed for before she was born and is so cherished now, I had trouble not crying. Normally I wouldn't mind, but how do you explain tears of joy to a two year old?

For the next couple days whenever we went somewhere in a car, she wanted to ride with me and listen to her favorite Bob and Larry CD. I very much want her to grow up having a fulfilling and healthy relationship with her creator. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude watching her sing along in the back seat to "God is So Good." It made me want to make a list of how God has shown up in my life. It is in no way comprehensive or specific, but here's what I've got so far.

- A Christian legacy that goes back I don't know how far.
- Prayer warriors who have prayed over me since before I was born.
- The family and friends I have that help keep me pointed to God despite who I really am.
- My nieces who continue to stun me with the goodness of my God.
- A patient Father who allows me to wander and then welcomes me back with such love.
- The death of my Savior who loves me more than I can comprehend, loves my nieces more than I am capable of and has never regretted the sacrifice He made to save me.

No one needs to convince me of the presence of evil in this world. No one needs to cite evidence to justify a belief in the devil and the sin he causes. But honestly, I do not understand why my Father, who I know is love, allows some things to happen. It can be tempting to get angry about this. I do know He does intervene sometimes, but what possible criteria can be used to decide when? To know the answer to this, I would have to be god, and I am not. But I don't think God gets angry with us when we cry out to Him "WHY?" Oh, I know I am rambling.

I follow the blog of a Christian, a friend of a friend, who has just lost one of her twins in utero at 8 months and it makes me wonder why these things happen. Praying about this, the image came to mind of God letting us cry in His lap, like we did as a little kids, asking our parent why something happened that we don't understand. Then I remembered what they always said, "You'll understand better when you are older." I think this may be a good way of thinking about these kinds of situations. We think we understand what we observed, but we don't understand the reasons. That takes time and maturity and there is no way to speed up that process.

I know I know I know...

I am a terrible blogger! I just have not felt that much like writing. BUT I did want to let you all know that I am doing better. The thing with the agnostic is over, I'm pursuing my relationship with God again and I am generally happier. Not bad huh? I really appreciate all of the support, prayers and listening you have done for me.